Caught The Other Way
by StarSlingerSnitch
Summary: A sort-of dedication fic For the beautiful Kyosuke Hamao! The hardest part of all this...is that Takumi doesn't even know what he's feeling. He let him see all that has become of him.


**A/N: So I just heard heartbreaking news, everyone- Kyosuke Hamao has decided to retire from acting to instead focus on becoming a lawyer. Sob! I cannot tell you how sad this was for me but I will support Mao through anything because I love him. So this is a little like a dedication fic for him. I hope you enjoy and support Mao as well!**

He lets a sigh escape his lips as he raises his bow once again and places it gently on the strings. Adjusting his fingers, he carefully plots them in the exact position he needs for this particular song.

"Just finish this and you'll be done," he mutters to himself, his breath fading away quickly in the cooling air. "Just finish this."

But as much as he wants to, his fingers stay frozen on the strings. It could be that it's in the middle of December and he's out alone in the greenhouse with only his blazer on to shield him from the cold. But there's more to it than that.

He just feels…nothing. Void. He is numb, with only the slight jostling of feelings making their way to the surface.

He is not empty but rather full of lost feelings.

Sighing again, he sinks down on the steps, still having enough sense to hold his violin and bow at an angle so they don't crash into the ground. He suddenly feels tired, like the world has drained him of all he has.

There are no such things as days anymore, and weeks have ceased to exist. Life has blurred together into one weary monotone drone that drives minds to the point of self-destruction, making it crave pain.

Blankly he stares at his shoes. He doesn't even know what's wrong with him or why he's acting like this, he just can't pull himself out of it.

He lets out a frustrated puff of air, watching his breath spiral away into nothingness, and places the violin and bow into their case, not even bothering to latch it closed. It's funny… humans have a tendency to lock things up. Animals, to observe. Plants, to see grow. Objects to protect. Even other humans. Dreams. Memories. They are locked up with the key thrown away.

It had been going on for the past few days. He isn't sad, exactly…well, he is but he doesn't know why. And that's scaring him more than the actual fact that he is sad.

Maybe it's because he's feeling neglected. But the strange thing is, he's not. He may not have had enough time this week to hang out with his friends but he's not feeling neglected. Gii had been with him just the other day and with Misu as his roommate, there's always a chance that Shingyoji drops by every now and then. And of course Akaike, Toshihisa, Yoshizawa and even Takabayashi. So it's not like he's alone. Then what is it?

It hits him-_he doesn't know._ He doesn't even have the slightest knowledge as to why he is acting like this.

"Yo, Takumi."

He raises his eyes sluggishly to see Gii standing before, hands casually shoved in his pockets of his thick coat and the look on his face immediately changes to concern when he sees only the thin blazer Takumi is wearing.

"Gii…" Takumi mumbles, trying to wake his mind up a bit. But it's still caught up in fog that clouds its senses and makes it hard to remember that there was anything else there in the first place. There's a vague reference, though, that he recalls Gii did offer to stop by later.

"Takumi, aren't you cold? Why didn't you bring a jacket? Baka," teases Gii lightly as he shrugs out of his own coat and puts it around Takumi's thin shoulders. He takes a deep breath and Gii's scent instantly fills him, warming him more than the piece of cloth ever could.

Gii comes to sit beside him and wraps an arm around his shoulders, gently pulling the other closer so he can lean his head on his chest. There's silence for a few moments.

Takumi is still struggling to pull his mind up from the strange bout that has influenced so much. Gii is a little impatient with his lover and confused as well, not understanding Takumi's pensive mood.

But the black-haired youth has always been like this. One to think before acting or speaking, weighing each word carefully. There's something on his mind now, Gii decides. _And he needs to tell me what it is._

"Takumi," Gii starts softly. He feels the other stiffen slightly but presses on. "Is everything…alright?"

Takumi sighs and lifts his head away from Gii's chest, opting instead to hide his face in his hands. Groaning, he runs his fingers through his hair before using them to cover his face once more. Gii is instantly alarmed.

"What is it Takumi? Did something happen? What happ-"

"It's nothing, Gii," cuts off Takumi, raising his head from his hands to try and give the other a reassuring smile. However Gii doesn't buy it and Takumi's faint smile fades as he realizes his lover will stop at nothing to get it out of him.

"This isn't nothing," retorts Gii, hating to see the other like this. "What's wrong?" His heart clenches at the thought of anything happening to Takumi. The boy had permanently taken place in his heart, roots spreading throughout his ribcage and growing profoundly into his heart.

"I just…I'm not…" Takumi struggles for words. He had already admitted to himself that he doesn't even know what's wrong. And if he can't figure it out, how can he even tell Gii? "I… don't know."

"You don't know?" repeats Gii, not quiet understanding. Takumi's voice is muffled by his hands but Gii still had heard that small sentence. "I'm afraid I don't understand."

"I don't either," Takumi tells him. "No one…one understands. Not Akaike, not Toshihisa, not you…not even me." How is it that they talk about understanding when really, no one know what others are going through, ever? _And how is it they can say 'I know what you're feeling' when really, they have no idea because everyone feels things differently?_

"Takumi," Gii says, growing a little alarmed. He doesn't know what is triggering Takumi to say these things but he doesn't like it. He's worried about the other, unsure about what brought this on. What is it that he is feeling?

"Gii…I haven't been very happy lately," Takumi says dazedly, continuing to hide his face in his hands. Gii's face pales at his words.

"Oh," is all he can manage. Even with his arm still thrown around his shoulders, the amber-haired man has never felt more distance between them. He runs his other hand through his hair, not sure what else he's supposed to do or say.

"Nothing really makes me happy anymore," continues Takumi, his voice monotone. It's almost as if he's reading lines from a book. "Not even playing the violin which I used to love. I think…I think I want to…to quit."

"What?" Gii looks at him in surprise, even as his heart is shattering from the words that have just escaped his lover's lips. "What do you mean, quit? You're so good, Takumi, you have such a gift."

"But it's not making me happy anymore," Takumi says slowly. "Nothing is."

"Takumi," breathes Gii, not able to believe it. What has gotten into him? What happened? He had never been like this before. What happened to him? "You shouldn't quit. You are so talented. And didn't you once tell me that you're at your happiest when playing?"

His words seem to register a little with Takumi who blinks his eyes, feeling his eyelashes fluttering against his palms. Gii is right. It did make him happy. It had once been the happiest thing in his life. But not anymore.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," he whispers. "I just feel so…so empty. I feel nothing at all. And it makes me…sad."

"Oh Takumi." Gii pulls him closer to him, letting him once again rest his hidden face on his chest. "Takumi."

"I'm sorry, Gii, for telling you this," says the young boy, still not showing the other his eyes. He's afraid if he does, that Gii will be able to see everything inside him. "I used to be able to hide it really well…I used to be able to not let it get to be and be strong…but I can only do that for so long."

"Takumi…this is about more than wanting to quit violin, right?" Gii asks softly, petting the other's hair gently. He can tell there's something deeper going on, something festering inside his lover that he can't let go of yet.

"Yes," Takumi answers. "Yes." But he doesn't know what. Words are too feeble a thing to even describe what is going on with him. Words from his mouth will do nothing to stop the words on his skin but they will at least let him see them clearly. "I'm…scared."

"Of what?" Gii feels a slight tremble go through Takumi's body and inside, he is freaking out, wondering what happened to him to cause him to feel this way and wondering what happened to him to feel such things and wondering when he said "nothing makes me happy" if he was referring to Gii as well?

"Of things hidden from me. Of…everything." _I'm haunted by the idea that I am wasting my life. _He's become a master of breaking his own heart. With simple thoughts, hopes, dreams that are impossible to achieve. Things that he will never accomplish, places he will never go, and people he will never be able to love because his mind holds him back so very much and it makes him sad and frustrated. _What would I do if I wasn't afraid?_

"What does that mean?" asks Gii gently. He continues to rub his fingers through the other's hair, knowing this conversation has taken a turn. It's no longer about Takumi wanting to give up the violin-he knew he had never been serious about that anyway-but something more.

"I'm…just scared," explains Takumi. Scared of the future. Scared of the past. Scared of the present happening right now.

"Of…of me?" Gii clears his throat nervously. If Takumi answers 'yes' to this statement, he might as well take his fear and use it to choke himself right now.

"No," the other says quietly. "No." Gii breathes a sigh of relief. At least the universe is kind enough to grant him this much. He rests his head atop Takumi's hearing the said boy's breathing make its way to his neck and warm him, leaving trails of air that can search deep within him.

"I told you before, right?" At Gii's words, Takumi finally has enough energy to pull his hands away from his face and now he looks up at the other with unobstructed eyes. He hopes Gii can see everything in there that words cannot express.

Because he doesn't even know what is in his eyes anymore.

"What?" he asks, feeling Gii's heartbeat under his cheek. His heartbeat is the thing that is calming him down right now. His heartbeat is like his own lung, slowly providing him with air that forces its way through his throat and floods his systems, giving him reason to breathe and live again. _You act like it's you against the world but it's really you against yourself._

"That I love you. That there's only now," responds Gii. Takumi nods slowly, not wanting to move from such a comfortable position. He finally, finally, feels something prodding at his heart and knows it's Gii's love. That at least, if nothing else happens to him, that he will always have this small relief from pressing reality.

He raises his eyes above him. It's actually quite peaceful here. The skylights above them are covered with a light layer of snow, making the sunlight slightly filtered down. The vibrant green plants against the white background are striking. Even though it's cold, so cold that they can see their air leaving the other's mouth, sitting here, together, is keeping them warm enough.

"Hey, Gii," he says after a few minutes of silence. It hadn't been uncomfortable but he had thought of something he had to tell him. He feels Gii look down at his as his chin brushes the top of his head and he knows he's listening.

"Yes?" He pulls his coat tighter around Takumi, not caring at all that he's only in a vest and blazer. Even so, he snuggles closer to the other boy, trying to be casual about it. The ground beneath them is cold too, even through their pants. But since Takumi makes no move to leave, Gii stays too.

"I…I don't really want to quit violin," he says in a small, small voice, looking down at his fingers. "I really do like it." Gii chuckles quietly.

"I know you do. But Takumi," he starts nervously, his question from earlier bubbling up. He just has to know. But he doesn't want to. It's one of those things that he wants the answer to but at the same time is afraid of the outcome. _Don't ask question if you're afraid of the answer._ But he does it anyway. "Can I ask you something?"

Takumi nods. "Anything you want." He is still playing with his fingers, showing how anxious he still feels but is giving Gii all his attention.

"When you said…when you said that nothing made you happy anymore…did that include me?" he finishes, trying to stop the hurt from coming out in his voice. Takumi sits up suddenly so he's staring Gii right in the face. He's calm but the black-haired boy can sense the pain radiating from him.

"Gii…" he trails off, unsure what to say. It is true; sometimes even Gii didn't make him happy. In fact, sometimes Gii had made it worse by being with him because he felt so unworthy to be with him. "No, you were not part of it. You make me happy like nothing else. Always, Gii."

"Good," Gii says, relived. Takumi had seen the broken expression Gii had on before he raised his head and feels even worse that he had been the one to put it there. "Takumi, I have a proposition."

"Eh?" Takumi leans away slightly but Gii uses one hand to gently, but firmly, press his head back down on his shoulder. Not wanting to be rude and knowing he couldn't refuse anyway, Takumi lets him.

"Let's just live and whatever happens, happens. Okay?" Gii feels Takumi shiver against him and makes a mental note to make sure he takes a hot shower when they get back to the dorms. But for now, they'll stay like this.

"Okay, Gii." Takumi smiles, a real smile, for the first time in days. It feels great to be his old self again. He thinks-this is what happiness is.

"Then if that's the case, I have one last question for you," Gii says, a smile on his own lips. Takumi tilts his head up at him, looking at Gii's face upside down as he waits for the other to continue. _Even from such an odd angle, Gii is still beautiful_, he thinks. He stretches out a leg and his foot touches his violin case, still open. He knows the cold is bad for it, that he will have to spend a long time retuning everything but he doesn't mind.

"Can I request a song?"

**A/N: As my second Takumi-kun fic, I hope I did a good job. It just got away from me and started to write itself, not turning out anything like I thought it would. Love stories like that! Even though the acting world has lost a beautiful soul as Kyosuke Hamao, as long as he is happy, that is all that matters. **


End file.
